i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm sobbing to NWA
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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