my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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