Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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