i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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