the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
