No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
