My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I checked into jail on foursquare
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
