I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
