He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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