she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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