based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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