Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
