And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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