Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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