have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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