mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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