I'm laying in your front yard are you home
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
