no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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