you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize