Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There are leaves in my underwear?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
