to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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