Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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