We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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