i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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