Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
