Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We just shotgunned beers for America
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
