im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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