Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
