I'm jealous of your bromance
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So. Much. Porn.
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