so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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