Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize