I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
