Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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