Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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