Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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