I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I am mentally ready for anal.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
