dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
