Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
