So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize