they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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