I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
