So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
