I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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