Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
