is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize