Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize