Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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