you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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