New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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