Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
