remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
