I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
