omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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