just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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