My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So squirting runs in the family.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
