The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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