he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
