Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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