I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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