I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
