I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
